Now at this point you might be on the verge of asking "Ariel, when would you take the time to think of all of this?" Well I'll tell you. I was out at an Israeli production of "A Midsummer Nights Dream" a few weeks ago, (it was pretty good, but the production itself has nothing to do with this) and it had been a pretty warm day so I was drinking a lot of Nestea, which happens to run through me faster then a cheetah on acid, and needless to say - I had to make. So there I was relieving myself when I realized: Once I flush I have absolutely no idea where this goes.
And so without further delay, I present to you the first story of my series:
Little Elroy in:
Where Does My Pee Pee Go?
It was a hot summer day, and there was Little Elroy bounding into the house after having gone out to play.
"Oh golly!" exclaimed Elroy "A whole day of throwing rocks at the highway sure does make me thirsty!"
Elroy decided he needed a drink,
But with no stool in sight he just couldn't reach the sink.
"How will I get the water?" Says Elroy in fear,
Don't worry about dehydration today, because Daddy is near!
"Hey there champ, let me get you a cup" said Elroys Dad.
Now Elroy was short but his Daddy was tall,
Dad poured the water and that kid drank it all.
A few minutes later Elroy started to dance
Better get to the potty quick Elory! Lest you go in your pants!
Elroy went Pee Pee till his bladder felt right,
He then hit the flusher and what and incredible sight!
Down Down Down went his Pee, and what did he see?
Fresh water in its place, water as clean as could be!
Its almost like magic! Could it really be so?
I must find out! Where does my Pee Pee go?
"How did that happen?" Elroy asked his dad. "Does the tooth fairy clean the water too?"
"Son, I know you won't want to hear this, but its time you stopped believeing in the tooth fairy. Its fake. I don't want to see you getting beat up at school" said Daddy while shaking his head. "But what you just witnessed is one of the marvels of the modern age, indoor plumbing. And I'll tell you how it works."
Choking back tears from hearing the Tooth fairy was not real,
Elroy fought through the sadness to find out what Dad would reveal.
"Well son," began Daddy "I suppose we could start the whole story off with Ancient Rome, who developed a vast series of interconnected Aqueducts-"
"Aqueduct? Whats that?" Asked Elroy.
"Its like a small highway for water" answered Dad "but the Romans also had an obsession with young boys, nudity, bed sheets as dresses, and anyways because in their stupidity, they built their fancy little Aqueducts out of lead and so, succeeded in killing the entire population of lead poisioning. And what do I always tell you Elroy?"
"Never chew on lead!" Elroy responded definitively.
"Exactly. Lets continue." said Dad "Now skipping over the next few hundred years of history, where I dont think anyone is really sure what the hell happened to the world, people were peeing in buckets, just dumping it out the window, it was a disaster, we come to the day and age of indoor plumbing and modern sanitation. Which I suppose is a more direct response to your initial inquiry."
"What?" asked Elroy, thouroughly confused.
"Never mind, it was over your head champ. Try to keep up." Said Dad "Basically, indoor plumbing is one big cycle. Starting with your flush"
"Kind of like the Circle of Life?" Asked Elroy, who had watched the Lion King earlier that week.
"Kind of like the Circle of Sh-" Said Dad who didnt get to finish his sentence as he was quickly cut off by a smack from Mommy who had come in from the other room.
"It doesn't matter what kind of circle, just a circle" continued Daddy. "Now when you flush, the water, and everything inside of it, goes into a bunch of pipes inside of our house. You know what a pipe is right Elroy?"
"Sure do! Those are those things sticking out all over the basement right?" answered Elroy.
"You got it" Said Dad "Now--"
"Mommy always says to herself that youve gotta be hitting the crack pipe whenever you two argue." interupted Elroy. "Whats that have to do with plumbing? I never see you hitting the pipes. Does it have cracks in it because youre hitting it? Wouldn't that be bad for the pipes? If they broke would there be doody all over the place?"
"Elroy! Focus" said Dad, while jotting down a reminder to take Elroy to get that ADD test. "Its just a saying, I'll explain when you're older. Basically all the water from all the sinks and all the toilets gets collected inside the house, in a big giant thing called a "septic tank."
"But if that gross stuff is in our house, why doesn't our house smell yucky all the time" inquired Elroy
"Great question Elroy, have you ever noticed the curved pipes under all the sinks and toilets?" asked Dad
"Sure" said Elroy
"Well that is called a 'P-Trap' and because water gets trapped in there, it prevents the smell from coming back through the pipes. It's required by law to be on every sink and toilet. So even if I wanted my house to smell like doody, legally I can't. Besides, it doesn't stick around for long because all of that goes from the septic tank to the street where it gets collected with all the water from all our neighbors houses. Now, this all gets collected into the sewer."
"Oh I know all about the sewers. Thats where the Ninja Turtles live." said Elroy proudly.
"Exactly." Said Dad, who chose to save shattering that delusion for another day. "In the sewers that don't have the Ninja Turtles living in them all this dirty water, called 'wastewater', gets pumped to a big building to be cleaned called the Wastewater Treatment Plant. At the plant, it gets three different stages of treatment called Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary treatment."
"What's Tertiary?" asked Elroy
"Its a word people use for 'three' or 'third' when they want to get punched in the face" answered Dad.
"Oh" said Elroy, who deicided this would be a good thing to remember when dealing with the school bully.
"Before all of this starts, when the water is still coming into the plant, they put the water through a screen which gets rid of all of the big solid things like rocks, tires, boats and people. Then it goes into a giant basin for Primary treatment called Sedimentation. This is where the water just sits and all of the gross stuff floats to the bottom and then the water gets seperated for the next step " Said Dad.
Then Dad explained the secondary process,
Where bacteria is brought in to clean up the mess.
There is microscopic biological material floating around,
That the bacteria eats up without making a sound.
Then after a while the bacteria floats to the floor,
and the Sedimentation process is preformed once more.
Now the twice-cleaned water gets whisked to a vat,
where the Tertiary process begins with a tip of his hat.
The first part of this step is called Sand Filtration,
but dont confuse this with sand you see on vacation.
The final few steps get rid of the gas,
Phosphorous and Nitrate - neither will last.
Lots of Chemistry and Science are in this last stage,
I wont explain it all, it would take over a page.
Finally its clean! All the water! Oh joy!
And thats how Dad explained plumbing to his boy.
But that is not all, for the process is round,
Rushing back through the pipes all the water is found.
Through the pipes it goes faster then a blink,
Here is the water, right back in your sink.
"And that" said Dad "is where your pee pee goes."
"So the water that comes out of our faucet, is the same water that came from the treatment plan?" Asked Elroy cautiously.
"Thats what I said" answered Dad.
"So my pee, or someone elses, comes back here" continued Elroy
"Well not exactly, it goes through cleansing" said Dad
"But it was still in someones body" retorted Elroy
"I suppose you could see it like that" said Dad
"Thats gross. I shouldn't have asked. Thanks for ruining water for me. I'm sticking to Orange Juice from now on."
The End
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