A Psalm for the Despairing or: Revised Study Methods in the Modern Era

After my brief foray into Instructive-Fiction (yes, a genre I believe I have pioneered), I would like to return by discussing a type of Unawesomeness known to all: Test taking. 

I feel that this is a most pertinent time for this particular blog as the University semesters in America are drawing to a close and the madness of finals is upon us.  In fact, as I write this it is 12:30am and I am amidst studying for a final myself. No, no, not a spring final, a fall final that I decided to skip because in Israel we get two opportunities to take finals and well... it was raining out and I didn't really feel all that up to commuting at 6am. A wise friend just said to me (and I am sure you are all thinking this as well) "Ariel, don't write the blog - go to sleep, you have a final tomorrow." Appropriate as this advice may be, I feel that by pushing this off until tomorrow I will not be able to truly express the desperation that we all feel when it is crunch time. So here I sit, trying to differentiate between notable figures in the history of the modern Middle East (why the hell couldnt they use a name other then Muhammed... oh wait, they do, Mahmud. Thanks a lot... jackasses). My eyes slowly dry and become bloodshot, and my vision begins to blur as I read the same lines over and over again, comprehending nothing. And ever so slowly as my thoughts drift from the Balta-Liman agreement to bargaining,  my eyes drift from the computer screen filled with pertinent information upwards to the clouds, in the most utilized study method of all time - The heavenly plea. 

I suppose a good way to proceed would be to express my opinion on testing in general. First an anecdote. In 9th grade I was placed in the Honors Geometry class, why I have no idea because math is not my forte (which is a fancy way of saying I completely suck at it). As we poured over theories and proofs, a desperate student like myself asked the most frequently asked question in all of education "Are we going to have to memorize this for the test?" My initial reaction was to scoff at the inquiring student. When has there ever been a test when you didn't have to commit the material to memory? The response given by the teacher demolished my perception of test taking forever. His short response "No. " When witnessing the shock and awe of the class members he followed up his earth shattering comment with this sentiment. "An architect doesn't memorize these equations, and it is his job to know them. Why should you have to?" He proceeded to tell us that we could all bring notecards to any exam, because the essence of the test was to understand our application of the concepts. And from that moment on I have spent hours wondering how is it that one of the most time honored traditions of education from first grade through university, could be so stupid? In so many tests we are merely asked to spit back the information we have learned and not actually form our own opinion, or even express the relevance of that material to anywhere outside of the classroom. Now of course  some courses cannot be considered relevant in day to day life (example: History of the Modern Middle East), but even in this test the questions should not revolve around me spitting back names and dates but on the overarching themes learned by those facts. Admittedly this is a major aspect of the test, but all I can see is the depth of analysis I would be able to achieve were I not stressing my brain to remember the tiniest details out of fear (born from the very real possibility) that it will be an unavoidable question on the test. Will this question be my downfall? If so, how will the grade received be in any way a reflection of the skills I gained in the class? Will this cause me to not get into a graduate school I want to attend? And whatever happened to the Funky Bunch after Marky Mark decided to become an actor? These are the questions that plague me as I heat up the water and pour my next cup of coffee. 

People (read: parents and teachers) will say to me, "Ariel this wouldn't be an issue if you hadn't procrastinated - you wouldn't have to cram facts in if you were memorizing them all along. " Well that is a big fat lie, I've tried the whole 'keep up with the syllabus' method of study and it just doesn't work. There is so much material on a day to day basis that there is no way I will remember in detail what I learned at meeting number 1 by the end of the semester. And so I slip into the though process of "what do I need to know for the test." It shouldn't take a genius to understand the incongruousy of this sentiment. We the students only take from class what we feel is necessary for us to pass the exam, not whatever higher purpose the class could serve. I am not attempting to shift the blame, but I believe this deficiency in our education is because we are a product of our environment.

Until reforms on testing methods are made, every student (even that one kid that is always studying) will eventually begin to subscribe to the modern form of education which is cramming. When immersed in a situation where 100% of our education revolves around a test, we all lose the feeling of importance of paying attention to class. Especially with the increasing amount of distractions, our work gets left by the wayside. Why do reading now when I can do it before the test? I'm not going to remember it anyways and I really only need it then. You've all thought it. And so we procrastinate, and the work piles up but we are blinded by Solitare and Hearts and trying to raise our Freecell stats (Apple users, I would apologize but I don't care about you and your elitist attitude and awesome computers that probably have way cooler time wasting games that we cant even borrow and play because no one knows how to use the damn thing). Finally we reach exams and here we are, back at the beginning of this blog.

So what advice do I have for everyone out there? Not a lot, everyone has their own cramming style. In fact, one of the greatest benefits our flawed education system probably has is teaching you your cramming style. We will all reach a point in life when we have to think fast and work even faster, and these are even more likely to be the times when doing a, I won't say good... but good enough, job matters most. And so we will rely on our skills picked up from cramming and we will succeed. But for those of you who do seek advice, those who are feeling the clammy forehead of the desperate, those who can feel the hopelessness causing their skin to tingle, those with clairvoyant images of yourself 50 years from now working at a gas station, I can offer one thing. Not aderol or ritalin, I don't do that thing (though I do derive an infinite amount of amusement  laughing at the hypocrisy of the 'smart kids' who will turn their nose up at their friends who have tried pot, and then turn around and pop a pill for a better grade.  Substance abuse is substance abuse... but thats a different blog for a different time.), I can offer a prayer. They (I really have no idea who) say that there is no Atheist in a foxhole, there is also no Atheist 5 minutes before an exam - except maybe a philosophy exam. Athetsts are pretentious jerks anyways, so who cares? Not me. But I'm getting off topic again. And so I present "The Psalm for the Despairing"

[A brief historical note, while not appearing in the book of Psalms itself, this particular Psalm is numbered as Psalm Chapter 151, though its inscription probably occurred along with the earlier 100's. Its lack of appearance is accredited to the fact that the Psalmist too was rushing to make a deadline, which inspired the Psalm itself, and was taken out during the canonization to protect the image of the Psalmist so that he would not appear just as sluggish when it came to getting work done as the rest of us all are.]

A Psalm for the Despairing:

 

A song of Desperation, for the hopeless.

In the image of God we were created by God, bestowed with knowledge and intellect

And in the image of a snail did man come to shape himself. 

Oh blessed Lord, who sent Abraham a ram to relieve him of his test,

instill in me your infinite wisdom, if only for this moment.

The Lord is my shepard who guideth me on the path of the just, 

unfortunately he does not guideth me from distraction, which is abundant and plentiful.

I make an oath on the graves of my fathers and submit to thee:

No longer will I spendeth nights pursuing the fleeting joys of pushing livestock on its side

 I really really promise to be on top of things next time,

after this a new leaf I turneth over.

 Just please sendeth a miracle and let me get through this right now.

Where Does My Pee Pee Go?

It is unfortunate, but we have been witnessing a shift over the last... hell I dont know, lets say 100 years, going from people understanding what they use on a day to day basis to having no freaking clue. What I mean is that back oh so long ago, people knew how a plow worked or knew that lamps are filled with oil which burns, and now we have light. But today, we need a specialist to come and fix our electricity, we drive from place to place in vehicle that works vastly different then Fred Flintstones car and as for the internet.... Actually I'm pretty sure thats just magic, so I guess that doesn't fit too well into this discussion. And as we all know ignorance starts with one thing, childhood. Thats when I realized I can curb this trend of unawareness by teaching the children how things work through a series of childrens stories. I mean, if Madonna can write kids books about Kaballah, why can't I?

Now at this point you might be on the verge of asking "Ariel, when would you take the time to think of all of this?" Well I'll tell you. I was out at an Israeli production of "A Midsummer Nights Dream" a few weeks ago, (it was pretty good, but the production itself has nothing to do with this) and it had been a pretty warm day so I was drinking a lot of Nestea, which happens to run through me faster then a cheetah on acid, and needless to say - I had to make.  So there I was relieving myself when I realized: Once I flush I have absolutely no idea where this goes.

And so without further delay, I present to you the first story of my series:

Little Elroy in:

Where Does My Pee Pee Go?

It was a hot summer day, and there was Little Elroy bounding into the house after having gone out to play.

"Oh golly!" exclaimed Elroy "A whole day of throwing rocks at the highway sure does make me thirsty!"

 

Elroy decided he needed a drink,

But with no stool in sight he just couldn't reach the sink. 

"How will I get the water?" Says Elroy in fear,

Don't worry about dehydration today, because Daddy is near!

"Hey there champ, let me get you a cup" said Elroys Dad. 

Now Elroy was short but his Daddy was tall,

Dad poured the water and that kid drank it all.

A few minutes later Elroy started to dance 

Better get to the potty quick Elory! Lest you go in your pants!

Elroy went Pee Pee till his bladder felt right,

He then hit the flusher and what and incredible sight!

Down Down Down went his Pee, and what did he see?

Fresh water in its place, water as clean as could be!

Its almost like magic!  Could it really be so?

I must find out! Where does my Pee Pee go?

"How did that happen?" Elroy asked his dad. "Does the tooth fairy clean the water too?"

"Son, I know you won't want to hear this, but its time you stopped believeing in the tooth fairy. Its fake. I don't want to see you getting beat up at school" said Daddy while shaking his head. "But what you just witnessed is one of the marvels of the modern age, indoor plumbing. And I'll tell you how it works."

Choking back tears from hearing the Tooth fairy was not real,

Elroy fought through the sadness to find out what Dad would reveal.  

"Well son," began Daddy "I suppose we could start the whole story off with Ancient Rome, who developed a vast series of interconnected Aqueducts-"

"Aqueduct? Whats that?" Asked Elroy.

"Its like a small highway for water" answered Dad "but the Romans also had an obsession with young boys, nudity, bed sheets as dresses, and anyways because in their stupidity, they built their fancy little Aqueducts out of lead and so, succeeded in killing the entire population of lead poisioning. And what do I always tell you Elroy?"

"Never chew on lead!" Elroy responded definitively. 

"Exactly. Lets continue." said Dad "Now skipping over the next few hundred years of history, where I dont think anyone is really sure what the hell happened to the world, people were peeing in buckets, just dumping it out the window, it was a disaster, we come to the day and age of indoor plumbing and modern sanitation. Which I suppose is a more direct response to your initial inquiry."

"What?" asked Elroy, thouroughly confused. 

"Never mind, it was over your head champ. Try to keep up." Said Dad "Basically, indoor plumbing is one big cycle. Starting with your flush"

"Kind of like the Circle of Life?" Asked Elroy, who had watched the Lion King earlier that week.

"Kind of like the Circle of Sh-" Said Dad who didnt get to finish his sentence as he was quickly cut off by a smack from Mommy who had come in from the other room. 

"It doesn't matter what kind of circle, just a circle" continued Daddy. "Now when you flush, the water, and everything inside of it, goes into a bunch of pipes inside of our house. You know what a pipe is right Elroy?"

"Sure do! Those are those things sticking out all over the basement right?" answered Elroy.

"You got it" Said Dad "Now--"

"Mommy always says to herself that youve gotta be hitting the crack pipe whenever you two argue." interupted Elroy. "Whats that have to do with plumbing? I never see you hitting the pipes. Does it have cracks in it because youre hitting it? Wouldn't that be bad for the pipes? If they broke would there be doody all over the place?"

"Elroy! Focus" said Dad, while jotting down a reminder to take Elroy to get that ADD test. "Its just a saying, I'll explain when you're older. Basically all the water from all the sinks and all the toilets gets collected inside the house, in a big giant thing called a "septic tank." 

"But if that gross stuff is in our house, why doesn't our house smell yucky all the time" inquired Elroy

"Great question Elroy, have you ever noticed the curved pipes under all the sinks and toilets?" asked Dad

"Sure" said Elroy

 "Well that is called a 'P-Trap' and because water gets trapped in there, it prevents the smell from coming back through the pipes. It's required by law to be on every sink and toilet. So even if I wanted my house to smell like doody, legally I can't. Besides, it doesn't stick around for long because all of that goes from the septic tank to the street where it gets collected with all the water from all our neighbors houses. Now, this all gets collected into the sewer."

"Oh I know all about the sewers. Thats where the Ninja Turtles live." said Elroy proudly. 

"Exactly." Said Dad, who chose to save shattering that delusion for another day. "In the sewers that don't have the Ninja Turtles living in them all this dirty water, called 'wastewater', gets pumped to a big building to be cleaned called the Wastewater Treatment Plant. At the plant, it gets three different stages of treatment called Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary treatment."

"What's Tertiary?" asked Elroy

"Its a word people use for 'three' or 'third' when they want to get punched in the face" answered Dad.

"Oh" said Elroy, who deicided this would be a good thing to remember when dealing with the school bully. 

"Before all of this starts, when the water is still coming into the plant, they put the water through a screen which gets rid of all of the big solid things like rocks, tires, boats and people. Then it goes into a giant basin for Primary treatment called  Sedimentation. This is where the water just sits and all of the gross stuff floats to the bottom and then the water gets seperated for the next step " Said Dad.

Then Dad explained the secondary process,

Where bacteria is brought in to clean up the mess.

There is microscopic biological material floating around,

That the bacteria eats up without making a sound.

Then after a while the bacteria floats to the floor,

and the Sedimentation process is preformed once more. 

Now the twice-cleaned water gets whisked to a vat,

where the Tertiary process begins with a tip of his hat. 

The first part of this step is called Sand Filtration,

but dont confuse this with sand you see on vacation.

The final few steps get rid of the gas,

Phosphorous and Nitrate - neither will last.

Lots of Chemistry and Science are  in this last stage,

I wont explain it all, it would take over a page. 

 

Finally its clean! All the water! Oh joy!

And thats how Dad explained plumbing to his boy.

But that is not all, for the process is round,

Rushing back through the pipes all the water is found.

Through the pipes it goes faster then a blink,

Here is the water, right back in your sink. 

"And that" said Dad "is where your pee pee goes."  

"So the water that comes out of our faucet, is the same water that came from the treatment plan?" Asked  Elroy cautiously.

"Thats what I said" answered Dad.

"So my pee, or someone elses, comes back here" continued Elroy 

"Well not exactly, it goes through cleansing" said Dad

"But it was still in someones body" retorted Elroy

"I suppose you could see it like that" said Dad

"Thats gross. I shouldn't have asked. Thanks for ruining water for me. I'm sticking to Orange Juice from now on." 

The End  

The Genesis of Awesome

The world we live in can and will always be categorized: big or small, work or play, decaf or regular, asleep or awake, happiness or sadness. There is a whole world of categories, and even the categories can be categorized. Some of the categories we encounter can be helpful (fuzzy or sharp) while others remain completely useless because no one really cares (Quebec or Ontario). These categorizations are what help us through every day. By having categories we are able to hone in on what we want from life, ourselves, or breakfast (its the most important meal of the day). But amidst all the grouping and ordering there is one category that stands above all, this vital classification is between Awesome, and Un-Awesome. 

Looking past the unorthodox usage of the English language, a true scholar would realize the paramount importance of this classification. We have been living in a time saturated with the acceptability of mediocrity. We sit idly by while accepting things into our daily routines that are just 'good' or 'okay' or 'fair' instead of actively pursuing Awesomeness. If everyone actively pursued and brought Awesomeness into their lives, life on Earth would be like the last 10 minutes of a romantic comedy (the part where they get back together and then kiss and make up, often in the rain after yelling at each other, and everyone is happy they are back together, roll credits) and not like the preceding 40 minutes of the same movie (the part where they break up because of a stupid miscommunication, that could easily be solved by a phone call instead of uprooting your whole life without another word because of what an unreliable friend said happened -cue the montage of scenes with the woman going to work with half-smiles on her face and the man sitting in his apartment with the shades closed drinking in the morning- , but we are all sitting there knowing they are going to get back together because otherwise this movie would never sell, so there we are just frustrated and on the verge of yelling "just get on with it already" at an inanimate object). That may only be a gender appropriate analogy, so in case the point is not clear (and I have a tendency to rant, so it probably isn't): The pursuit of Awesome will enhance our lives. 

The sole purpose of this blog is to aid in the Pursuit of Awesome (okay, not the sole purpose. I get bored.) By analyzing different subjects for their Awesomeness and Un-Awesomeness I aspire to inspire the world (ie. anyone who takes the time to read this) to scrutinize their lives in a similar fashion, to go out and embrace the Awesome (be sure its consensual) and to cast off the Un-Awesome. Or at the very least, I'll give someone something to read while they enjoy the most important meal of the day. 

"And so, briefly after the transformation of chaos into order, separating the land and sea, and creating man, right before turning in for the recently established and well deserved day of rest, God looked back at the productive week he had. He observed his creations and saw that they were... Awesome. And in doing so, God created Awesome - And it was Awesome in the eyes of God. God gave himself a pat on the back, rolled over, and went to sleep."

~The Genesis of Awesome